Joshua eating a dandelion to crack Emily up!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Moments
As hard as I try to keep my thoughts on God's promises and the many blessings all around me, there are moments when the grief slams into me. While I know I will see my stillborn boy full of life, health, and joy one day, I so miss feeling Isaac move inside of me. I miss talking to him, calling him by name, and praying for him by name. Despite the joy in this household, I still hurt and cry.
Sometimes I'd like to hide away from everyone or at least put life on pause and simply rest for a few weeks. I can't. My family needs me. I was off my feet for almost five months. My children need their summer clothes, and it is a big, time consuming job. A garden would bless our family health wise and financially. My husband needs my support to keep our place running smoothly, or it becomes a tremendous burden on him. I can't stop.
Besides the physical work, a mother sets the tone for her entire household. My attitude and my outlook directly affects theirs. When I hurt, they hurt. If I go around moping, it will affect them too. I battle the grief by reading His promises and singing praises to the God Who not only knows how I feel and loves me more than anyone else ever can, but has also Himself grieved.
Contrary from what I was told by a Christian family member when I cried on the phone mere hours after I miscarried for the first time in1995, crying isn't self pity. It's being an honest human being with God given emotions. He gave us those emotions to allow us to experience life and Him more fully. They also allow us to connect with others on a deeper level. We need to show compassion, not judgement and callousness, to those who are hurting. (see Romans 12:15) God uses pain in this fallen world. It connects us and opens doors for us to share our faith.
Here's the song I am singing today as I put one foot in front of the other:
Sometimes I'd like to hide away from everyone or at least put life on pause and simply rest for a few weeks. I can't. My family needs me. I was off my feet for almost five months. My children need their summer clothes, and it is a big, time consuming job. A garden would bless our family health wise and financially. My husband needs my support to keep our place running smoothly, or it becomes a tremendous burden on him. I can't stop.
Besides the physical work, a mother sets the tone for her entire household. My attitude and my outlook directly affects theirs. When I hurt, they hurt. If I go around moping, it will affect them too. I battle the grief by reading His promises and singing praises to the God Who not only knows how I feel and loves me more than anyone else ever can, but has also Himself grieved.
Contrary from what I was told by a Christian family member when I cried on the phone mere hours after I miscarried for the first time in1995, crying isn't self pity. It's being an honest human being with God given emotions. He gave us those emotions to allow us to experience life and Him more fully. They also allow us to connect with others on a deeper level. We need to show compassion, not judgement and callousness, to those who are hurting. (see Romans 12:15) God uses pain in this fallen world. It connects us and opens doors for us to share our faith.
Here's the song I am singing today as I put one foot in front of the other:
I WILL FOLLOW YOU
Chris Tomlin
Chris Tomlin
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow
All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone
Higher than my side
High above my life
I will trust in you alone
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you
Light unto the world
Light unto my life
I will live for you alone
You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in you alone
In you alone
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you
In you, there's life everlasting
In you, there's freedom for my soul
In you, there's joy, unending joy
And I will follow
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you
I will follow you
I will follow you
A special hello to the Christian church in Lagos, Nigeria who is using my experiences with difficult relationships to help others. May God bless you and grow your ministry!
Hardships and That Feeling of "Hey I Didn't Sign Up For This"
You know that feeling in life... the feeling of "hey I didn't sign up for this?"... well, what if some day we find out it was the most important class of all? -Jen Lane Cameron (a godly friend who has lost a son and also has a brain injured son from the same condition)
"Don't ever buy into the idea that everything God prompts His followers to do will be uncomplicated or low-cost. Sometimes God asks His children to carry heavy loads, as He did with the apostle Paul. But even--and often especially--under those backbreaking burdens, God's purposes are fulfilled. When our (whispered) task is tough, the reward of knowing we've helped further His Kingdom and bettered our broken world is all the sweeter.
"If you ever find yourself with a difficult assignment, why not try giving God thanks for trusting you with something that needs your particular strength. He assigns tasks to the right person every time. He did it throughout history, and He still does it today. As you walk whatever potholed path He has asked you to walk, never forget the tough journey that Jesus Himself once made. ...Christ was asked to bear the most difficult assignment of all--to lay down His life as a redemptive sacrifice for humankind. He chose to obey. And because of His obedience, you and I enjoy our redemption today."
"Whomever the Lord has adopted and deemed worthy of His fellowship ought to prepare themselves for a hard, toilsome, and unquiet life, crammed with very many and various kinds of evil." John Calvin
HARDSHIPS FURTHER HIS KINGDOM
Bill Hybels' The Power of a Whisper (p.110-111)
Bill Hybels' The Power of a Whisper (p.110-111)
"Don't ever buy into the idea that everything God prompts His followers to do will be uncomplicated or low-cost. Sometimes God asks His children to carry heavy loads, as He did with the apostle Paul. But even--and often especially--under those backbreaking burdens, God's purposes are fulfilled. When our (whispered) task is tough, the reward of knowing we've helped further His Kingdom and bettered our broken world is all the sweeter.
"If you ever find yourself with a difficult assignment, why not try giving God thanks for trusting you with something that needs your particular strength. He assigns tasks to the right person every time. He did it throughout history, and He still does it today. As you walk whatever potholed path He has asked you to walk, never forget the tough journey that Jesus Himself once made. ...Christ was asked to bear the most difficult assignment of all--to lay down His life as a redemptive sacrifice for humankind. He chose to obey. And because of His obedience, you and I enjoy our redemption today."
"Whomever the Lord has adopted and deemed worthy of His fellowship ought to prepare themselves for a hard, toilsome, and unquiet life, crammed with very many and various kinds of evil." John Calvin
May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:5-6
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
"How precious a thing is the human family."
“There needs to be a homemaker exercising some measure of skill, imagination, creativity, desire to fulfill needs and give pleasure to others in the family. How precious a thing is the human family. Is it not worth some sacrifice in time, energy, safety, discomfort, work? Does anything come forth without work?”― Edith Schaeffer, (Nov 30, 1914 to March 30. 2013) from her book What Is a Family?
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
A Door Closes, Others Open
I've been asked if I'd consider speaking about my child losses to groups of women. I don't feel strong enough emotionally to do that just yet, but am considering it for later. I believe it would be challenging, but also very rewarding.
Some of the things I have shared on my blog about my losses have been picked up and reprinted in other places.
I've been asked if I'd consider radio interviews about my spiritual walk, difficult pregnancies, and child losses.
I have been told again and again to write a book about my walk with Christ and child loss. This is something Clint and I will most likely do together in the future because our children have requested it.
We are praying on all of it.
We are asking God to help us prioritize and make the path ahead very clear.
Some of the things I have shared on my blog about my losses have been picked up and reprinted in other places.
I've been asked if I'd consider radio interviews about my spiritual walk, difficult pregnancies, and child losses.
I have been told again and again to write a book about my walk with Christ and child loss. This is something Clint and I will most likely do together in the future because our children have requested it.
We are praying on all of it.
We are asking God to help us prioritize and make the path ahead very clear.
Psalms 40:1-3 I waited patiently for God to help me; then He listened and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, and set my feet on a hard, firm path and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, of praises to our God. Now many will hear of the glorious things He did for me, and stand in awe before the Lord, and put their trust in Him.
He Wants All of You
"What does it mean to have a heavy heart? It means you are allowing your heart and all of those emotions that want to attack you from all sides to get the best of you and your faith in God. God wants to take a heavy heart and turn it into a light-hearted heart that does not have a care in the world. Wouldn't it be nice to not have a care...to simply say I do not care and trust God when things are not going as planned? I am encountering one of those heavy hearts right now and it's really a struggle to give it over to God and let Him take care of the results. Your faith walk with God is the hardest things any human being will ever experience because God requires you to take all of your burdens and place it on Him even when they are tied up on your back and weighing you down like a sack of rocks. God is either a big God and in total control or He is a weak God and totally disinterested. I choose a big God! How bout you?" -Jon Cash
"Give me all of you!!! I don’t want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want YOU!!! ALL OF YOU!! I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to KILL IT! No half measures will do. I don’t want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them ALL over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self---in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart." -C.S. Lewis
"Whomever the Lord has adopted and deemed worthy of His fellowship ought to prepare themselves for a hard, toilsome, and unquiet life, crammed with very many and various kinds of evil." -John Calvin
"Give me all of you!!! I don’t want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want YOU!!! ALL OF YOU!! I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to KILL IT! No half measures will do. I don’t want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them ALL over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self---in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart." -C.S. Lewis
"Whomever the Lord has adopted and deemed worthy of His fellowship ought to prepare themselves for a hard, toilsome, and unquiet life, crammed with very many and various kinds of evil." -John Calvin
Monday, May 20, 2013
Contrasts
On the day we buried, Isaac and Mary, we also had another scheduled graduation party for Brandon and Amanda.
Life has been happy and sad, good and bad, joyful and sorrowful, beautiful and ugly, celebratory and solemn....all mixed together at the same time. It's been a time of great loss and great gain. I don't think we've ever seen such a time of stark contrasts before. Without one of the aforementioned attributes, a person can not fully understand or appreciate the other the other.
Trying to keep the sad from affecting our adult children's accomplishments has been both a curse and a blessing. It's been good for us to have a reason to rejoice, but also hard at times too.
Bad things happen to everybody. We are not measured by what happens to us, but by how we respond to them. We can choose to sit immobilized by pain and focused on our grief, or we can choose to get up, embrace the gift of life that is still ours, do good, and treasure the blessings we are given.
Matthew 5:45b "... for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."
Jeremiah 17:7-8 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. "For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit"
Psalm 29:11 The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.
Trying to keep the sad from affecting our adult children's accomplishments has been both a curse and a blessing. It's been good for us to have a reason to rejoice, but also hard at times too.
Bad things happen to everybody. We are not measured by what happens to us, but by how we respond to them. We can choose to sit immobilized by pain and focused on our grief, or we can choose to get up, embrace the gift of life that is still ours, do good, and treasure the blessings we are given.
Matthew 5:45b "... for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."
Jeremiah 17:7-8 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. "For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit"
Psalm 29:11 The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
My Favorite Sympathy Bouquet & My Young Men
When my sweet younger children saw the bouquets of flowers in the house, they wanted to get me some too. These are my most treasured flowers out of all we have been given since we lost Isaac.
Isaac was born still at 2:46 a.m. Clint and I left the hospital just after 4 a.m.
We came home and slept a little. When we woke up, our three sons had made us breakfast in bed-delicious homemade pancakes! Don't worry about Caleb...he is 11 and doesn't like to smile for pictures. :-)
- I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:13
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Some of Our Mail
We are sharing a few words from friends for three reasons: 1.) to show God is using this painful loss and will use the painful things in your life too...if you let Him, 2.) to show how kindness touches a heart, and 3.) to encourage people who are shy to reach out to others.
We only shared a few of what we have received. Please don't be offended if your comment is not here. We were deeply touched by each note and have printed every one out to put in our memory box. Each reminder that God is working through this has been a balm to our hearts. Your love has poured into our home through so many different ways. Thank you for reaching out to us while we were hurting.
For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.
Matthew 12:34b-35
Clint, the example you have set for your sons, in particular, in how you take care of your family....well, let's just say, there will be some lucky ladies down the road.
This quote by Joni Eareckson Tada fits this so well: "Whether a godly attitude shines from a brain-injured college student or from a lonely man relegated to a back bedroom, the response of patience and perseverance counts. God points to the peaceful attitude of suffering people to teach others about Himself. He not only teaches those we rub shoulders with every day, but He instructs the countless millions of angels and demons. The hosts in heaven stand amazed when they observe God sustain hurting people with His peace. You were made for one purpose, and that is to make God real to those around you." I love you all and am praying for you.
Thank you for sharing so openly about your miscarriage. I read through all of the stories and cried with you. I am so sorry. Thank you for giving me a new perspective and helping me find peace after losing my own child to SIDS.
You and Clint just seem to roll with the punches life throws your way.Your marriage is strong, and your children are incredible! Where many let challenges tear them apart, you let it pull you closer together. I don't get that kind of faith, but I am encouraged by yours.
I admire the two of you so much. You have raised a beautiful healthy family, have a strong marriage and faith, which you openly share, and have conquered challenges along the way with grace and resilience....
Clint..you are prpviding giving an amazing example of what husbands and fathers should be. You are always putting God first, trying to do the right thing, and looking after your family. What an encouraging example in these dark days when men are abandoning their wives and children. Real men step up and get the job done!
It is clear to any Christian soldier watching you that God has a plan and is working through your life. You two were put together for a purpose. Part of God's plan for your life is to show others how to live life with humbleness and handle with grace the upsets that come along the way. At least, you've done that for me. Thank you for your testimony.
This year, my marriage has fell apart and my oldest son has taken up with a bad crowd. He is using drugs and alcohol...... I am impressed with how your beliefs has made you stronger through challenging times because as I have learned that doesn't always happen.
Thank you for the ways you have ministered to me through my own dark time by sharing about your own pain and hardship. I thought I was cursed for my sins and God was hateful. I see now even the nicest of people go through bad times.
When my daughter was killed, I had no idea how I'd get going again. Your openess about your loss and sharing it has helped me tremendously. I am going back to church this week because I can't do this on my own. Thank you. I am praying for you.
You are an amazing woman, Wendy, and a true inspiration to those of us who sometimes tend to wallow in self pity. I'm so sorry for your loss, but agree that you have a beautiful family and so much to be thankful for. In fact, we all, regardless of circumstance, have much to be thankful for.
I've been watching the blog posts and can see how your loss has touched so many hearts and lives. Most people are too proud to share their lives so openly. You aren't afraid to give us the whole picture good and bad. People are being reached because of this.
You are such a miracle. I know none of us is perfect, but you are the best example of a Godly woman I have ever known and so perfectly matched with Clint.
I know it is hard, but God is speaking through your life to others in amazing ways.
I just wanted to thank you for lifting me up - your messages of positivity and love are wonderful and remind me if my blessings daily- thx for that.
My nurse as I left: "Hey, can I talk to you for just a minute? While I wish the circumstances that brought us together were different, I am glad I met you. You are such a strong woman and your family is so close. I've never seen what happened here today before. You have given me a new way of seeing things. I have a new perspective. Thank you for letting me be a part of this. Something special, not to minimize your loss, but something special happened here today, in my heart, at least. Can I hug you?"
And from our new friend Diana who wrote:
"Spiritual maturity like this blows me away. May I some day attain fully to that level of awareness, gratitude, and trust." (See her blog: The Whining Puker)
Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. Romans 12:15
Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel. Proverbs 27:9
Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones. Proverbs 16:24
For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow... Ecclesiastes 4:10a
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17
Friday, May 17, 2013
Questions We Ask When We Hurt the Most
When you go through something difficult in life, it's not only normal, but healthy to ask questions. That's how we learn. Because I have been through child loss before, most of the hard questions are already settled in my heart. I know there is a young woman out there somewhere hurting, wondering why her arms are empty, asking why, so I am telling you I've been there. And, I am sharing what I believe and what gives comfort to me:
There are moral consequences when we sin. If someone steals a car and is caught, they know they will end up facing some form of punishment. If someone dies from an overdose of illegal substances, we accept they did something foolish which caused their death. If we mistreat someone, the person's hurt, anger, and reaction are part of the consequences we reap. Generally, we don't have to ask why when we face moral consequences.
There are consequences of people doing evil to us. If someone stabs us, we suffer pain and might die. We understand that the suffering is caused by the hands of someone full of evil and hatred.
Even if we don't like someone, we should not take joy in their suffering. (Job 31:29, Obadiah 1:12, Proverbs 17:5, Proverbs 24:7, Ezekiel 25:6)
There are natural consequences to the sin of this world. The earth was altered from the way God meant it to be when we, as a human race, chose to go our own way. Death and disease and untold suffering entered this earth. It's why Alzheimer's patients suffer. It's why there are natural disasters and car accidents. It's why people suffer and die from cancer. It's why our bodies fail us. It's why babies die in the womb or shortly after birth.
The Bible is pretty clear that there will be suffering on this earth, and tells us we should not be surprised by it. No one is immune from it. Suffering shows us our desperate need for God and doing things HIS way. Suffering shows us the results of doing it our way. I believe that once we get to Heaven and realize the full scope of suffering sin has caused, that we who are His, will never have any desire to be outside His will again.
After my first miscarriage, instead of "Why me?" I asked myself "Why not me? This entire world is hurting, why am I surprised when hurt comes to me?" And, "Who would I wish this on? No one. I would not want to see anyone hurting this deeply."
With my first loss, I tried blaming myself by coming up with all of these creative ways my normal day to day actions caused the miscarriage. Then, I saw a picture taken by Kevin Carter in 1994 (graphic image) that showed a small, starving child struggling to make it to a relief camp while a hungry vulture looked on waiting for him to die. "What did that child do to deserve that? Nothing. Then why do I try find a way to blame myself for my child's death?"
A while later, I saw an image of a mother struggling to breastfeed two emaciated children from shriveled breasts. She was starving herself, clearly had little to no milk, but was giving all she had for her children. "My suffering is very light compared to the suffering around the world. My child died, but will never know that kind of hunger or struggle. He (or she) will never know disease or suffering. I will not have to watch them go through hardship. In some ways, I can count myself and my child blessed."
I have a friend who just lost her ONLY child. I still have my seven living children. Do I believe God loves her less than me? that I am somehow more favored? that she sinned and deserved the suffering she is going through? NO, NO, NO, NO!!! I have several friends who unmarried, an in law who suffered several late term losses, several friends who are infertile, and several who are terminally ill. Do I automatically assume they did something wrong? NO! Then why do we punish ourselves with those horrible assumptions that run through our head? Pain can get so big that it momentarily blocks out the Truth.
I asked myself once: "What in the world did I do? God must really hate me to keep doing this to me." I felt the Holy Spirit ask "What makes you think it is about you? It's about ME. You gave me your life, and I am using it to point people to Me."
It's not about me. It's about not being in control of my life but surrendering to His will. Those prayers I prayed asking God to use me, to use my life to bring others to know Him, to not let my life be a waste...are being answered. Joni Eareckson Tada said "You were made for one purpose, and that is to make God real to those around you." Now, I'd rather be rich and giving my testimony over duck calls and cheesy story lines on "reality TV," but I am not on Duck Dynasty. I am a simple woman who loves her God.
There are a lot of people who believe the closer you are to Christ, the more you speak out on your faith, the more persecution you will see. I am still searching Scripture on this, but I do see a correlation between those who are really trying to live for the Lord and a greater extent of suffering. Reading about the lives of great missionaries, evangelists, preachers, and martyrs lends support to this. My point is, if you are following Christ, you will see suffering.
Suffering grows us spiritually. (James 1:2-4, Romans 5:3-5) It makes us stronger and more mature as Christians. The sweetest and humblest Christians you know are the ones who have been through the most suffering. For this reason, we are to count it for joy when we suffer because God's love is poured directly into our hearts through the Holy Spirit so we can not only know and understand Him better, but also point others to Him.
Charles Stanley said "Nothing attracts an unbeliever like a saint suffering successfully." Sharing the things that hurt draws other people's attention to us like no other time in our lives. Not too many people can relate to my successes as a homeschooling mother, but every compassionate human on this planet can relate to pain, suffering, and disappointment. It is through my sufferings and overcoming them with my faith that I can best show others the God I believe in and serve.
Even though my heart is very broken over Isaac and Mary and all of my miscarried babies before them, my faith in God still stands strong. He has given me enough of a glimpse to understand a little of His plan to give me strength and comfort. My "lost" children aren't lost. They're in the presence of the Lord. I will see them, know them, and love on them. Also in that day, any who took joy in our suffering will be put to silence and shame. God's plan is incredible, and He is very worthy to be praised!
There are moral consequences when we sin. If someone steals a car and is caught, they know they will end up facing some form of punishment. If someone dies from an overdose of illegal substances, we accept they did something foolish which caused their death. If we mistreat someone, the person's hurt, anger, and reaction are part of the consequences we reap. Generally, we don't have to ask why when we face moral consequences.
There are consequences of people doing evil to us. If someone stabs us, we suffer pain and might die. We understand that the suffering is caused by the hands of someone full of evil and hatred.
Even if we don't like someone, we should not take joy in their suffering. (Job 31:29, Obadiah 1:12, Proverbs 17:5, Proverbs 24:7, Ezekiel 25:6)
There are natural consequences to the sin of this world. The earth was altered from the way God meant it to be when we, as a human race, chose to go our own way. Death and disease and untold suffering entered this earth. It's why Alzheimer's patients suffer. It's why there are natural disasters and car accidents. It's why people suffer and die from cancer. It's why our bodies fail us. It's why babies die in the womb or shortly after birth.
The Bible is pretty clear that there will be suffering on this earth, and tells us we should not be surprised by it. No one is immune from it. Suffering shows us our desperate need for God and doing things HIS way. Suffering shows us the results of doing it our way. I believe that once we get to Heaven and realize the full scope of suffering sin has caused, that we who are His, will never have any desire to be outside His will again.
After my first miscarriage, instead of "Why me?" I asked myself "Why not me? This entire world is hurting, why am I surprised when hurt comes to me?" And, "Who would I wish this on? No one. I would not want to see anyone hurting this deeply."
With my first loss, I tried blaming myself by coming up with all of these creative ways my normal day to day actions caused the miscarriage. Then, I saw a picture taken by Kevin Carter in 1994 (graphic image) that showed a small, starving child struggling to make it to a relief camp while a hungry vulture looked on waiting for him to die. "What did that child do to deserve that? Nothing. Then why do I try find a way to blame myself for my child's death?"
A while later, I saw an image of a mother struggling to breastfeed two emaciated children from shriveled breasts. She was starving herself, clearly had little to no milk, but was giving all she had for her children. "My suffering is very light compared to the suffering around the world. My child died, but will never know that kind of hunger or struggle. He (or she) will never know disease or suffering. I will not have to watch them go through hardship. In some ways, I can count myself and my child blessed."
I have a friend who just lost her ONLY child. I still have my seven living children. Do I believe God loves her less than me? that I am somehow more favored? that she sinned and deserved the suffering she is going through? NO, NO, NO, NO!!! I have several friends who unmarried, an in law who suffered several late term losses, several friends who are infertile, and several who are terminally ill. Do I automatically assume they did something wrong? NO! Then why do we punish ourselves with those horrible assumptions that run through our head? Pain can get so big that it momentarily blocks out the Truth.
I asked myself once: "What in the world did I do? God must really hate me to keep doing this to me." I felt the Holy Spirit ask "What makes you think it is about you? It's about ME. You gave me your life, and I am using it to point people to Me."
It's not about me. It's about not being in control of my life but surrendering to His will. Those prayers I prayed asking God to use me, to use my life to bring others to know Him, to not let my life be a waste...are being answered. Joni Eareckson Tada said "You were made for one purpose, and that is to make God real to those around you." Now, I'd rather be rich and giving my testimony over duck calls and cheesy story lines on "reality TV," but I am not on Duck Dynasty. I am a simple woman who loves her God.
There are a lot of people who believe the closer you are to Christ, the more you speak out on your faith, the more persecution you will see. I am still searching Scripture on this, but I do see a correlation between those who are really trying to live for the Lord and a greater extent of suffering. Reading about the lives of great missionaries, evangelists, preachers, and martyrs lends support to this. My point is, if you are following Christ, you will see suffering.
Suffering grows us spiritually. (James 1:2-4, Romans 5:3-5) It makes us stronger and more mature as Christians. The sweetest and humblest Christians you know are the ones who have been through the most suffering. For this reason, we are to count it for joy when we suffer because God's love is poured directly into our hearts through the Holy Spirit so we can not only know and understand Him better, but also point others to Him.
Charles Stanley said "Nothing attracts an unbeliever like a saint suffering successfully." Sharing the things that hurt draws other people's attention to us like no other time in our lives. Not too many people can relate to my successes as a homeschooling mother, but every compassionate human on this planet can relate to pain, suffering, and disappointment. It is through my sufferings and overcoming them with my faith that I can best show others the God I believe in and serve.
Even though my heart is very broken over Isaac and Mary and all of my miscarried babies before them, my faith in God still stands strong. He has given me enough of a glimpse to understand a little of His plan to give me strength and comfort. My "lost" children aren't lost. They're in the presence of the Lord. I will see them, know them, and love on them. Also in that day, any who took joy in our suffering will be put to silence and shame. God's plan is incredible, and He is very worthy to be praised!
I Peter 1:6b-9 ...for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
I Peter 5:9b-10 ...you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
I Had a Dream about Isaac
It was a short dream, but very beautiful and comforting to me.
It was the day of or the day after I gave birth to him. I had fell asleep after crying. I had been thinking since he was born still: "I am so, so, so sorry you didn't get to live, Isaac. I wanted you so much. I love you, son."
In the dream, I felt arms around me and found myself embraced in Isaac's arms. He wasn't a tiny, underdeveloped baby. He was a full grown man, and there was strength in his arms. I was surprised because he was taller than me. He hugged me, and I put my head into his neck and cried. He said "It's OK, Mom. It's OK. I know. I KNOW. We will be together soon." I told him "I love you, son. It will seem like such a short time for you, but such a long one for me." Then, he was gone.
I have no explanation for why I would imagine my son, who was so very tiny and helpless as a strong and full grown man. I do not know if that was God giving me a moment with my child or an image to comfort me. Isaac seemed so real. His solid, strong arms, the warmth of his body, the soft, sincere words he spoke, the sense of loss when he left...all seemed so very real.
It was the day of or the day after I gave birth to him. I had fell asleep after crying. I had been thinking since he was born still: "I am so, so, so sorry you didn't get to live, Isaac. I wanted you so much. I love you, son."
In the dream, I felt arms around me and found myself embraced in Isaac's arms. He wasn't a tiny, underdeveloped baby. He was a full grown man, and there was strength in his arms. I was surprised because he was taller than me. He hugged me, and I put my head into his neck and cried. He said "It's OK, Mom. It's OK. I know. I KNOW. We will be together soon." I told him "I love you, son. It will seem like such a short time for you, but such a long one for me." Then, he was gone.
I have no explanation for why I would imagine my son, who was so very tiny and helpless as a strong and full grown man. I do not know if that was God giving me a moment with my child or an image to comfort me. Isaac seemed so real. His solid, strong arms, the warmth of his body, the soft, sincere words he spoke, the sense of loss when he left...all seemed so very real.
The greatest comfort in this life is a close relationship with God. -David McKay
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
2 Samuel 12:23b "...I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."
Our family buried Isaac and Mary with our other deceased children last night. Our entire family circled the special spot in our flowerbed. There, we thanked God for Isaac's and Mary's existence, for making them known to us, and for the promise of Heaven. We placed pots of tea roses on top of the large stone that covers their graves. White roses for their innocence and red roses for our love for them.
2 Samuel 12:23b "...I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."
Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.
-Winnie the Pooh
19 Hard Weeks
19 weeks of suffering with hyperemesis gravidarum, of lying flat on my back, Mallory Weiss Tears, labor and stillbirth, and this is all we get back...
for now.
Even knowing the outcome and the intense pain it is causing our hearts, I'd go through it again. Our hearts are broken and our arms ache horribly, but we take comfort in knowing there is more going on than we can see. There is a promise of Heaven and eternity to be fulfilled. We will know Isaac. If you know the Lord, then you will see us celebrating with 15 children one day. We just have to wait a little while. Then, there's eternity.
Disappointed by life? Read this exciting verse:
“All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised, they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth…they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” Hebrews 11: 13-16
Disappointed by life? Read this exciting verse:
“All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised, they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth…they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” Hebrews 11: 13-16
I Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Around Here (Part 2)
Me: My body is still weak from the pregnancy and HG. I can get up and do light activity for 10-12 minutes at at a time, but then I have to sit down and rest because I get very shaky. I have been pushing myself to do more each day because activity helps me cope emotionally, but that backfired on me.
Yesterday, my body cried out for a rest, and I was unable to do much at all. My muscles are sore and ache because I went from complete bed-rest to doing as much as I can. Joshua said HG had me at 1 mph, but I am up to 10-15 mph now. There is improvement, but I am very impatient for more. I know from previous rounds with HG that it can take me up to a year to get back to 100% of my activity and strength level. I am determined I'll do it though.
Any time there is a sudden end to a pregnancy, it increases the risk of postpartum depression. Even if you take away all of the emotional and physical wear and tear, the hormonal upheaval can be challenging to manage.
My family has been through enough, so I am doing all I can to minimize the risks: eating nutrient dense meals, eating on time, sleeping on a normal schedule, getting plenty of rest, taking vitamins and herbal supplements, getting outside for some sunlight daily, trying to exercise, talking through my feelings with trusted people, etc. If you are going through a loss, I know, how very well I know with 8 child losses, that you don't always want to and you don't always have the energy to do those things, but you have to make yourself. It does not help me or my family, or honor my deceased children, or speak well of my faith, if I don't take care of myself. I have to do the hard thing of getting up and going forward to keep from going through something harder, which would be PPD.
Yesterday, my body cried out for a rest, and I was unable to do much at all. My muscles are sore and ache because I went from complete bed-rest to doing as much as I can. Joshua said HG had me at 1 mph, but I am up to 10-15 mph now. There is improvement, but I am very impatient for more. I know from previous rounds with HG that it can take me up to a year to get back to 100% of my activity and strength level. I am determined I'll do it though.
Any time there is a sudden end to a pregnancy, it increases the risk of postpartum depression. Even if you take away all of the emotional and physical wear and tear, the hormonal upheaval can be challenging to manage.
My family has been through enough, so I am doing all I can to minimize the risks: eating nutrient dense meals, eating on time, sleeping on a normal schedule, getting plenty of rest, taking vitamins and herbal supplements, getting outside for some sunlight daily, trying to exercise, talking through my feelings with trusted people, etc. If you are going through a loss, I know, how very well I know with 8 child losses, that you don't always want to and you don't always have the energy to do those things, but you have to make yourself. It does not help me or my family, or honor my deceased children, or speak well of my faith, if I don't take care of myself. I have to do the hard thing of getting up and going forward to keep from going through something harder, which would be PPD.
On Mother's Day, I can think of no one more deserving than a mother that had to give one back. -Erma Bombeck
Monday, May 13, 2013
Instead of Flowers...
Isaac's gift from someone kind
We have a lot of people asking for our address so they can send flowers. Instead of flowers, we ask that you do this instead. It's only $6 per gift and will bless another family who is going through the same thing. Something similar was done for us, and we were thankful our son had something handmade to wear and be wrapped in by someone who cared. For "In Who's Name," please put Isaac Coleman Asbell and/or Mary Grace Asbell (his "vanishing" twin). Flowers wilt, but kindness touches a heart forever.
http://kaitlinsangels.blogspot.com/p/in-memory-of-your-angel.html
Around Here
Clint and I have been dreading today. Today is the first time we are without the other since we lost Isaac. He had to go back to work, and I have to resume my duties as a wife, mother, and critter caretaker.
So, today is the day we try to reach for some sort of normalcy and routine. In an effort to get there, I will give an update on the family. This was written before the stillbirth of Isaac, but afterwards, I set it back to draft so I could make some necessary changes.
Clint has been making car repairs and working to finish the upstairs bathroom. The bathroom was delayed when the hyperemesis gravidarum arrived with my pregnancy. He is still working on his college course work, but it is slow going with all of the responsibility he has on his shoulders. I try to encourage him to keep at it. He has been a constant presence and comfort to me since I lost the baby.
Brandon (20) completed his coursework early because his last class was an online program that was self paced. He graduated with a 4.0 GPA! He also has some of his certifications, but plans to get more. He tested for a well known corporation and tested very high in their math and reading abilities.
Amanda (18) completed her hair and nail design school on Wednesday of last week at our encouragement. We can't limit all of the ways the stillbirth has affected our children, but have tried to minimize it. She knows cutting hair isn't what she wants to do full time, but is something she enjoys that will help her pay for college. She has also gained another life skill she can bless herself and others with for the rest of her life. It is hard to believe she is 18 and has a high school diploma and certificate.
Brandon and Amanda started a part time business venture. In their first two weeks, they made $4,000. They tithed by giving $500 to a man who has terminal cancer and is trying to reach others for Christ through his ministry before he dies. Clint and I are very proud of their work ethic and their generosity.
Clint and I prescheduled a vacation for them as a graduation gift. With both of them continuing their education and working, life is going to drastically change for them. We wanted to give them some fun memories to carry in their hearts. They are having a BLAST! The trip is going so well, they decided to stay another day. Brandon took a quick computer repair job while there and earned $60 in about fifteen minutes.
Joshua (13) has been immersed in learning about computers. Brandon has been a tremendous help in passing along what he knows. He has also been a tremendous help to me while I was on bed rest and now that I am recovering from the stillbirth. He has given me my meds and cooked meals. He's done laundry, fed all of the animals, watched little ones, cleaned house, etc. I am very impressed with his maturity and diligence.
If all goes according to plan, Joshua starts high school next September. It is up to him, but he could graduate as early as 15 to 16 years old. Whenever Clint works on cars, equipment, plumbing, or electricity, he takes Joshua and Caleb along and teaches them while he works.
In addition to homeschool coursework, Caleb (11) has been building, building, building, and more building. He has fixed cabinets, repaired broken drawers, put up shelves, fixed toys, hung pictures, and quite a bit more. Most of the household repairs, he will do without asking. He has made many changes in his and Joshua's room that has made the room more organized. I was buying him children's building kits, but he has surpassed all I can find. Now, I am trying to scrounge up wood for his use and hope to buy him a scroll saw to develop skills there. He has also been trying his hand at cooking and takes turns making meals.
Bethany (9) has been helping Emily and Hannah with their school which has helped her mature in three ways. One, she has learned communication skills, specifically about how to give clear instructions of what needs to be accomplished. Two, she has learned about leadership and asserting authority. Three, she has gained confidence in herself. She is a cheerful helper in whatever I ask her to do and has been asking for more and more responsibility. Specifically, she wants more complex cooking lessons from me, and she wants Amanda to teach her about hair and nails. She has also been learning a few computer skills from Brandon.
Emily (5) and Hannah (4) are more help in keeping their toys picked up. They are learning in homeschool and are at their grade levels. They are in love with their two new kittens and two new puppies. Then, there is Baby and Maggie, our two little dogs, who follow them faithfully and patiently put up with the doll clothes and hair brushing.
I will share about me tomorrow.
Brandon (20) completed his coursework early because his last class was an online program that was self paced. He graduated with a 4.0 GPA! He also has some of his certifications, but plans to get more. He tested for a well known corporation and tested very high in their math and reading abilities.
Amanda (18) completed her hair and nail design school on Wednesday of last week at our encouragement. We can't limit all of the ways the stillbirth has affected our children, but have tried to minimize it. She knows cutting hair isn't what she wants to do full time, but is something she enjoys that will help her pay for college. She has also gained another life skill she can bless herself and others with for the rest of her life. It is hard to believe she is 18 and has a high school diploma and certificate.
Brandon and Amanda started a part time business venture. In their first two weeks, they made $4,000. They tithed by giving $500 to a man who has terminal cancer and is trying to reach others for Christ through his ministry before he dies. Clint and I are very proud of their work ethic and their generosity.
Clint and I prescheduled a vacation for them as a graduation gift. With both of them continuing their education and working, life is going to drastically change for them. We wanted to give them some fun memories to carry in their hearts. They are having a BLAST! The trip is going so well, they decided to stay another day. Brandon took a quick computer repair job while there and earned $60 in about fifteen minutes.
Joshua (13) has been immersed in learning about computers. Brandon has been a tremendous help in passing along what he knows. He has also been a tremendous help to me while I was on bed rest and now that I am recovering from the stillbirth. He has given me my meds and cooked meals. He's done laundry, fed all of the animals, watched little ones, cleaned house, etc. I am very impressed with his maturity and diligence.
If all goes according to plan, Joshua starts high school next September. It is up to him, but he could graduate as early as 15 to 16 years old. Whenever Clint works on cars, equipment, plumbing, or electricity, he takes Joshua and Caleb along and teaches them while he works.
In addition to homeschool coursework, Caleb (11) has been building, building, building, and more building. He has fixed cabinets, repaired broken drawers, put up shelves, fixed toys, hung pictures, and quite a bit more. Most of the household repairs, he will do without asking. He has made many changes in his and Joshua's room that has made the room more organized. I was buying him children's building kits, but he has surpassed all I can find. Now, I am trying to scrounge up wood for his use and hope to buy him a scroll saw to develop skills there. He has also been trying his hand at cooking and takes turns making meals.
Bethany (9) has been helping Emily and Hannah with their school which has helped her mature in three ways. One, she has learned communication skills, specifically about how to give clear instructions of what needs to be accomplished. Two, she has learned about leadership and asserting authority. Three, she has gained confidence in herself. She is a cheerful helper in whatever I ask her to do and has been asking for more and more responsibility. Specifically, she wants more complex cooking lessons from me, and she wants Amanda to teach her about hair and nails. She has also been learning a few computer skills from Brandon.
Emily (5) and Hannah (4) are more help in keeping their toys picked up. They are learning in homeschool and are at their grade levels. They are in love with their two new kittens and two new puppies. Then, there is Baby and Maggie, our two little dogs, who follow them faithfully and patiently put up with the doll clothes and hair brushing.
I will share about me tomorrow.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
How We're Doing and Joy
Clint Asbell and I are putting one foot in front of the other. Our children and their special way of looking at things are good medicine for us. Mostly we are focusing on God's promises, the love of our amazing friends, the joy our children give us, and the blessings of a very close marriage. Grief sneaks up on us now and again and knocks us to the ground for a while, but we are trying to help each other through. We've played games, had a water battle, done yard work, played with puppies and kittens, loved on each other, and thanked God for the many blessings we do have. There are still a few hard things to do next week, but we will manage. Thank you for the overwhelming amount of support, kindness, compassion, cards, emails, letters, phone calls, visits, flowers, gifts, etc. Thank you also to the many who have opened up and shared personal stories of losses that have made us cry, touched our hearts, and given us strength. We are very thankful for all of you.
Someone said joy will return. We shared this:
Joy never left. It was very overshadowed and still gets overshadowed if we allow it, but when we stop to look around, we realize it was/is still here waiting for us to recognize it again. Every where we look in our home, we see how we have been blessed. There is so much laughter and joy in our children that it lifts us out of the hard place and sets us to thanksgiving. We wanted our now 8 deceased children very much, but God said no. We can pout, shout, cry, wail, rant, rave, and let it ruin us, or we can trust that God knows best and keeps His promises. That's not to say we find this easy or that we do not still have tears, but we do find amazing comfort and surprising peace in our faith, the family God has given us, our marriage, and our friends.
Someone said joy will return. We shared this:
Joy never left. It was very overshadowed and still gets overshadowed if we allow it, but when we stop to look around, we realize it was/is still here waiting for us to recognize it again. Every where we look in our home, we see how we have been blessed. There is so much laughter and joy in our children that it lifts us out of the hard place and sets us to thanksgiving. We wanted our now 8 deceased children very much, but God said no. We can pout, shout, cry, wail, rant, rave, and let it ruin us, or we can trust that God knows best and keeps His promises. That's not to say we find this easy or that we do not still have tears, but we do find amazing comfort and surprising peace in our faith, the family God has given us, our marriage, and our friends.
Thursday, May 09, 2013
My Triathlon
My pregnancies are very challenging physically and mentally. The losses have challenged me to refine what I believe spiritually and have given me an incredible avenue to minister to hurting women. The hyperemesis gravidarum (which is like a cuss word to me) has required endurance and strength in each area as my body, mind, and faith have been taken to the limit. I have grown spiritually and have gained compassion for other's suffering, but my mind and body have taken a beating. Both recover, but it takes time.
A friend of mine compared my pregnancies to the marathon she was running. I guess in many ways, there are similarities: pushing through, overcoming fatigue, concentrating on one step at a time, battling the mind, enduring for the sake of the goal, recovering from the race, satisfaction in your accomplishment, and the confidence that having survived it gives you.
If my other pregnancies were marathons, then this one was a triathlon.
After two miscarriages and being told it was unlikely I'd conceive again, I did the mental and heart work to accept it and set a course to refine some skills and gain new ones to prepare for a future ministry to serve those God has placed in my life.
Then I got pregnant. Wow, OK. Life changed again.
Then we had the Vanishing Twin which made us both think we had miscarried. So we planned for the womb cleansing that would follow.
It didn't happen, but I became very sick. I felt pregnant, but I had seen evidence of a miscarriage. I thought I was crazy.
Then, a living baby was confirmed and Vanishing Twin explained.
Then, the hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) hit very hard. I had to give in to the toll it was taking and stay in bed to survive. For four months, life stopped and a battle ensued. It was only weeks, but it seemed like years as I watched my family and friends going after one thing after another. It was worth it for the life in my womb.
The HG made tears in my upper throat which led to bleeding and laryngitis. Even today, my voice is hoarse, and my throat sore.
I got a tonsillitis infection when the vomiting forced food particles into that area.
Our entire family caught a virus. Because I was already so worn down, it hit me hard and lingered.
Then I got bronchitis secondary to the flu.
A bad vomiting episode led to Mallory Weiss tears and the worst bleeding I have ever seen. Where normally, I could get it to stop, the coughing from the bronchitis made it keep bleeding. I was spitting up 15-20 mouthfuls of bright red blood at a time. (You can't swallow it. It will make you vomit.) That necessitated a trip to the ER.
Then Emily's flu turned into cellulitis caused by a drug resistant bacteria. That caused a lot of concern.
I had made strides in recovering from the bleeding and bronchitis when we went to the OB and could not find a heartbeat.
And then, we entered into the medical systems crazy maze of red tape, tests, and procedures to complete the loss so we could lessen risks to me and lessen the time it affected our children. This happened during the same week as our adult children's graduations and the meetings and all of the many things it entails.
And, there is still some redness and swelling around Emily's eye, even after the 10 days of antibiotics, so we have taken her back to the doctor today. She is there now.
All through this, I have felt the Lord asking me:
And my answer is a weary "Yes, Lord. You are my Father. No one loves me like You do. You have fearfully and wonderfully knit me together. I am so precious to You that You know the number of hairs on my head. You know every detail about me and nothing in my life escapes Your notice. You gave Your own Son for me. Knowing the depth of Your love, I know that all of this heartbreak and pain has served a purpose that will bring glory to Your Name. I am broken, bruised, battle weary, and begging You for a break, but I am still a willing vessel for Your work in my life."
A friend of mine compared my pregnancies to the marathon she was running. I guess in many ways, there are similarities: pushing through, overcoming fatigue, concentrating on one step at a time, battling the mind, enduring for the sake of the goal, recovering from the race, satisfaction in your accomplishment, and the confidence that having survived it gives you.
If my other pregnancies were marathons, then this one was a triathlon.
After two miscarriages and being told it was unlikely I'd conceive again, I did the mental and heart work to accept it and set a course to refine some skills and gain new ones to prepare for a future ministry to serve those God has placed in my life.
Then I got pregnant. Wow, OK. Life changed again.
Then we had the Vanishing Twin which made us both think we had miscarried. So we planned for the womb cleansing that would follow.
It didn't happen, but I became very sick. I felt pregnant, but I had seen evidence of a miscarriage. I thought I was crazy.
Then, a living baby was confirmed and Vanishing Twin explained.
Then, the hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) hit very hard. I had to give in to the toll it was taking and stay in bed to survive. For four months, life stopped and a battle ensued. It was only weeks, but it seemed like years as I watched my family and friends going after one thing after another. It was worth it for the life in my womb.
The HG made tears in my upper throat which led to bleeding and laryngitis. Even today, my voice is hoarse, and my throat sore.
I got a tonsillitis infection when the vomiting forced food particles into that area.
Our entire family caught a virus. Because I was already so worn down, it hit me hard and lingered.
Then I got bronchitis secondary to the flu.
A bad vomiting episode led to Mallory Weiss tears and the worst bleeding I have ever seen. Where normally, I could get it to stop, the coughing from the bronchitis made it keep bleeding. I was spitting up 15-20 mouthfuls of bright red blood at a time. (You can't swallow it. It will make you vomit.) That necessitated a trip to the ER.
Then Emily's flu turned into cellulitis caused by a drug resistant bacteria. That caused a lot of concern.
I had made strides in recovering from the bleeding and bronchitis when we went to the OB and could not find a heartbeat.
And then, we entered into the medical systems crazy maze of red tape, tests, and procedures to complete the loss so we could lessen risks to me and lessen the time it affected our children. This happened during the same week as our adult children's graduations and the meetings and all of the many things it entails.
And, there is still some redness and swelling around Emily's eye, even after the 10 days of antibiotics, so we have taken her back to the doctor today. She is there now.
All through this, I have felt the Lord asking me:
"Do you still love Me? Will you still follow Me?"
And my answer is a weary "Yes, Lord. You are my Father. No one loves me like You do. You have fearfully and wonderfully knit me together. I am so precious to You that You know the number of hairs on my head. You know every detail about me and nothing in my life escapes Your notice. You gave Your own Son for me. Knowing the depth of Your love, I know that all of this heartbreak and pain has served a purpose that will bring glory to Your Name. I am broken, bruised, battle weary, and begging You for a break, but I am still a willing vessel for Your work in my life."
Isaac's Twin
Earlier in the pregnancy, I had spotting and passed tissue. I also had a cessation of the symptoms of pregnancy for a while before they resumed and got stronger. This indicated a "Vanishing Twin."
When I delivered Isaac, the doctor told me the placenta had been delivered. "Is it whole?" "Yes." Because I had a bad experience with a bit of sticky placenta in the past, I asked her again "It is completely intact?" "Yes." Then, she showed me the placenta so I would know. I saw it was intact.
After you have a loss at this point in pregnancy, the doctor will put gauze on a couple of fingers and use it to "sweep" the womb of any remaining tissue. This helps prevent infection and helps limit bleeding. She said my womb was very clean. I have had very little bleeding which has been a blessing in all of this. I am weeks ahead of where I would normally be as far as that goes.
I tell you all of that so you can get a sense of the complete and utter shock we both felt when I delivered the twin at home last night. It was very sudden and caught Clint and I both by surprise. Having had miscarriages at different stages, we knew immediately what we were looking at. Our child. Isaac's twin.
We have saved the tiny form and will bury them when we bury Isaac.
While we can't tell gender, the children have long requested (pleaded) for a child to be named Mary. They have been affected by this journey too, so we will give them that if they still desire it.
Update 5/11/2013: Our children still wanted Mary and decided on Mary Grace. Grace is to remind us of all of the grace God has shown us.
When I delivered Isaac, the doctor told me the placenta had been delivered. "Is it whole?" "Yes." Because I had a bad experience with a bit of sticky placenta in the past, I asked her again "It is completely intact?" "Yes." Then, she showed me the placenta so I would know. I saw it was intact.
After you have a loss at this point in pregnancy, the doctor will put gauze on a couple of fingers and use it to "sweep" the womb of any remaining tissue. This helps prevent infection and helps limit bleeding. She said my womb was very clean. I have had very little bleeding which has been a blessing in all of this. I am weeks ahead of where I would normally be as far as that goes.
I tell you all of that so you can get a sense of the complete and utter shock we both felt when I delivered the twin at home last night. It was very sudden and caught Clint and I both by surprise. Having had miscarriages at different stages, we knew immediately what we were looking at. Our child. Isaac's twin.
We have saved the tiny form and will bury them when we bury Isaac.
While we can't tell gender, the children have long requested (pleaded) for a child to be named Mary. They have been affected by this journey too, so we will give them that if they still desire it.
Update 5/11/2013: Our children still wanted Mary and decided on Mary Grace. Grace is to remind us of all of the grace God has shown us.
Those Why Cry Out to Yahweh
Sometimes a friend will share something, and you know it's God speaking to your heart. She did not know we had lost a baby just a few hours before she posted this, but it helped:
Pity. Sorrow. Broken-hearted. Weeping. Drowning in grief. Crushed. Sunk. Mocked. Beaten. Reviled. Reproached. Dishonored. Shamed. Poor. One need only read a couple of Psalms to find kinship with -or understanding of - those who cry out to Yahweh. Why is it then that we think so poorly of our brethren and sistren who do the same? Compassion. It's what's missing in action.-S. Parker
Pity. Sorrow. Broken-hearted. Weeping. Drowning in grief. Crushed. Sunk. Mocked. Beaten. Reviled. Reproached. Dishonored. Shamed. Poor. One need only read a couple of Psalms to find kinship with -or understanding of - those who cry out to Yahweh. Why is it then that we think so poorly of our brethren and sistren who do the same? Compassion. It's what's missing in action.-S. Parker
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
The Whirlwind
Yesterday, it was like we were happily walking along, and then a crazy whirlwind picked us up carried us away!!
At 9 a.m., the CNA could not find a heartbeat with the handheld. Then, I had an ultrasound with a sonographer. Then they gave me a second ultrasound with the sonographer and CNA both present.
Before the appointment to have a third ultrasound at the local hospital, we had time to go home. Clint took me home so I could tell our children. That was the very hardest thing I have had to do in all of this. It broke me. I cried hard in the arms of my oldest daughter, Amanda, while she cried in mine.
Then we went to the local hospital for a third ultrasound. When I indicated I wanted to see, the hospital's sonographer turned the screen towards me. I looked closely and then told her, "My baby is dead." She said "Yes." Then she showed me the chest cavity and absence of cardiac flutter.
She sent me to a doctor to come up with a game plan. That doctor sent me to the L&D of another hospital where I had a fourth ultrasound by yet another doctor.
After that, I had many unpleasant things done to my body which have left me bruised, swollen, and tender.
Nothing on me hurts as much as my heart though.
At 9 a.m., the CNA could not find a heartbeat with the handheld. Then, I had an ultrasound with a sonographer. Then they gave me a second ultrasound with the sonographer and CNA both present.
Before the appointment to have a third ultrasound at the local hospital, we had time to go home. Clint took me home so I could tell our children. That was the very hardest thing I have had to do in all of this. It broke me. I cried hard in the arms of my oldest daughter, Amanda, while she cried in mine.
Then we went to the local hospital for a third ultrasound. When I indicated I wanted to see, the hospital's sonographer turned the screen towards me. I looked closely and then told her, "My baby is dead." She said "Yes." Then she showed me the chest cavity and absence of cardiac flutter.
She sent me to a doctor to come up with a game plan. That doctor sent me to the L&D of another hospital where I had a fourth ultrasound by yet another doctor.
After that, I had many unpleasant things done to my body which have left me bruised, swollen, and tender.
Nothing on me hurts as much as my heart though.
For Now, Just a Picture and a Thank You
Thank you for the tremendous outpouring of love and concern.
We want the people who care about us to know we are OK.
We want the people who care about us to know we are OK.
We just need a little time to ourselves.
Monday, May 06, 2013
Article: Homeschool Family Sent 6 Kids to College by Age 12
Mona Lisa Harding home-schools her children in the basics, but found that her kids learned more quickly (and got less bored) when they were allowed to study deeply -- something they loved.
"I don't have any brilliant children,” she contends. “I'm not brilliant. My husband's not brilliant. We're just average folks.” Who inspired six children to enter college before they became teenagers.
Read the rest of the story here.
Sunday, May 05, 2013
Health Risks of Unforgiveness
Last spring, as I studied my Bible to help me work through something difficult, I took notes as the Lord led me through it. I did not post it at the time because I did not want to add anything else to the situation. I scheduled it months ago to post on Sundays in April and May.
“Stress exacerbates pain, tightens muscles and interferes with the smooth running of the immune system – all things that have an effect on arthritis,” says Fred Luskin, PhD, director of the Forgiveness Project at Stanford University, Stanford, Calif. “People think they have this unlimited storage of anger, judgment and hostility that will never come home to roost, but it comes home immediately.” (source)
“When you don’t forgive, you release all the chemicals of the stress response,” Luskin says. “Each time you react, adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine enter the body. When it’s a chronic grudge, you could think about it 20 times a day, and those chemicals limit creativity; they limit problem solving. Cortisol and norepinephrine cause your brain to enter what we call ‘the no-thinking zone,’ and over time, they lead you to feel helpless and like a victim. When you forgive, you wipe all of that clean.” (source)
There is a great deal written about the connection between unforgiveness and health. I encourage you to do your own search and learn more as a motivation to extend forgiveness.
“Stress exacerbates pain, tightens muscles and interferes with the smooth running of the immune system – all things that have an effect on arthritis,” says Fred Luskin, PhD, director of the Forgiveness Project at Stanford University, Stanford, Calif. “People think they have this unlimited storage of anger, judgment and hostility that will never come home to roost, but it comes home immediately.” (source)
“When you don’t forgive, you release all the chemicals of the stress response,” Luskin says. “Each time you react, adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine enter the body. When it’s a chronic grudge, you could think about it 20 times a day, and those chemicals limit creativity; they limit problem solving. Cortisol and norepinephrine cause your brain to enter what we call ‘the no-thinking zone,’ and over time, they lead you to feel helpless and like a victim. When you forgive, you wipe all of that clean.” (source)
What are the benefits of forgiving someone? (source)
Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:
- Healthier relationships
- Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
- Less anxiety, stress and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
There is a great deal written about the connection between unforgiveness and health. I encourage you to do your own search and learn more as a motivation to extend forgiveness.
Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us. Hebrews 12:1
A man's pride shall bring him low: but honor shall uphold the humble in spirit. Proverbs 29:23
A man's pride shall bring him low: but honor shall uphold the humble in spirit. Proverbs 29:23
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